Alison's Page

“You should have been a Mom a long time ago but you had to go and marry a deadbeat for a Husband”
~Uninformed Brother trying to be humorous

Rough weekend. I said here that I was not sobbing anymore, well, I lied. There were big awful tears Friday night for no reason, just because I was sad. Saturday was filled hot tears. You know the ones that burn your eyes because you are trying desperately NOT to cry. Spent the afternoon at my Grandmother’s. All my fertile cousins were there with all their perfect biological children. One cousin was detailing her daughters thighs in comparison to her own and all I could think was how I will never be able to speak the words she was saying to me at that moment. Another cousin was explaining that if I wanted biceps all I had to do was have a kid. As if it were that easy honey. All of this was innocent enough but it’s just too much for me to take right now.

Church was easypeasy. It was after church that was hard. My brother and I made an early dinner for my mom. I was in the living room socializing, not helping at all. I shouted to my brother that I would be in there soon to help and that is when he spoke the words that hit me in the gut. When my husband and I got married, he made it very clear that he was not down with being a Dad, hence the comment about marrying a deadbeat. It still would not be funny even if we were not dealing with our current situation. Part B to this comment is that we have never told my brother about us trying let alone our recent news. So he truly was just trying to be funny, unbearably insensitive maybe, but funny. I learned later that my mother corrected him and told him that we were in fact trying and that he should not say things like that anymore. He responded to my mom by saying that he knew he was wrong in what he said because the room got very quiet. After he made the comment, I walked right over to Husband and whispered to him how much I loved him. Rough.

I feel like I am over the initial shock. I’m no longer hysterically crying or sobbing in secret. Every now and then I will get a twinge or a lump but I pretty much have them under control. But I’ve also been living in the confines of the “safe zone”. I go to work and come home. We do not call or see people. We didn’t even go to church on Wednesday night. I’m trying to allow myself to get the next level of functionality and staying in the “safe zone” is the only way I can get there.

I went and saw my mom last night alone. I couldn’t even get one word out. I was more upset at that the thought of her disappointment than for my reality. When I was finally able to tell her she just scooped me up and held me like I was 6 years old again. She never cried which I am thankful for. I don’t think my heart could have taken it.

I emailed my five girlfriends all at once. We get together every month for Happy Hour. Since it is my birthday month, it’s my turn to pick where we go. I just can’t go and no excuse will work because we do whatever it takes to accommodate the birthday girl. All five know that we are trying so I’m sure it came as no surprise.

Of course, the three women I work with know. Uncontrollable sobbing at 3:00 in the afternoon is a little hard to miss.

If it were not for Mother’s Day weekend (I can’t bring myself to attend a tea about Mother’s Day with my mom so telling her why was only fair), my birthday month, a real life friend reading this blog or my crying in the workplace, we would not tell anyone. Husband lied when his carpool buddy asked about test results. He said they were not in yet.

It’s funny. The first reaction for everyone is to offer alternatives. I understand this mechanism, I really do. But with due respect, we are far from thinking about Plan B. I’m still grieving over never seeing a son that has his father’s walk or a daughter that has my pin strait hair. To think of adoption or a donor makes my stomach hurt. I’m not ready to face that yet.

JJ, Mel and Alison posted about “You Make My Day” and I wanted to share with you some blogs that make my day as well. Husband and I were just talking in the car yesterday about how valuable this community is to those that suffer IF. Twenty years ago I would have cried alone in my room. Today I can turn to my sisters who don’t need explanations, who say that exact thing I need to hear. It’s something that happens rarely in real life. And how cool is it that I can find a woman that has the almost exact diagnosis as me! That I can read her innermost thoughts and know that I am not alone. There is something that tells me that if we were friends in real life, it would not be the same and I am so thankful for that.

So here is to the women that Make My Day. It was hard to choose because I am hopelessly addicted to so many! I decided based on the fact that these are the blogs I look for first when I open my reader.


Now it is your turn. Who makes your day? What is it about belonging to this blogging community that is so special?

Have a good weekend all!

Reader’s Digest Version:

10 hours before our Vegas trip, I needed a book and Husband walking shoes so we headed to the mall. Right before we walked through the doors, he said something sweet and witty which caused my eyes to water up. I looked at him and said “We are not in a ‘Safe Zone’ honey. You can’t say those kinda things to me right now.” We laughed and by the time we actually ran into real live people my eyes were back to normal. It happened again when we joked about buying certain “adult” toys and how those would probably get me pregnant. Funny and sad all at the same time but still, not spoken in a safe zone.

We arrived in Vegas around 7:30 AM on Saturday. We dropped off our bags at the Bell Desk and took a taxi clear down to the other end of the strip where we ate breakfast buffet at the Excalibur for $11.99, by far the cheapest meal of the weekend (thanks Alison). After breakfast we decided to make our way back up the strip on foot. This was good because it was the only time we were able to venture outside the Wynn. By the time we got to Harrah’s our dogs were barking and the other 15 people in our group were trickling in and meeting up. We ended up back at the Wynn by 4 wheels, not 2 legs.


The suite was amazing! Fully stocked bar, jet bathtub, silk bathrobes, ceiling high windows, massage room, flat TV’s everywhere! The standard rooms on the other hand sucked. The fridge was stocked al’right with magnetic strips! So if you removed the item longer than 60 seconds, you bought the overpriced drink or snack. It left no room for even a bottle of water! At one point I thought I had balanced a bottle but when I re-opened the fridge, the Starbucks frappacino was sitting on its side. Yep, I bought a $7 glass bottle of weakass “coffee”. LAME! Also, there was no coffee maker. You had to order the coffee by room service and it was $5 a cup. The beds were not even queens, they were doubles. I’m surprised they didn’t charge us for the shampoo and mouthwash! Trust me when I say this, don’t waste money on this hotel room. You’d be better off with a full size bed, empty refrigerator and coffee maker at Circus Circus. If you are dying to stay at the Wynn, save your money and get the $2300 a night suite. No lie.



Saturday night we ate at the Red 8. Husband ordered Jelly Fish (insert vomit here) and we all got pineapple mojitos. YUM. It was one of the few times that I did not think about our predicament.

Sunday morning we were approved to rent a cabana. Husband and I ate a fantastic breakfast buffet at the Wynn in our bathing suits and headed strait for the cabana. We had the whole place to ourselves for the first couple hours of which I was so grateful for because after our first swim I saw red and I’m not talking about the angry kind of red either. When I told Husband, he just hugged me and said he was sorry and that he loved me. Not exactly a ‘safe zone’. Someone could come around the corner any minute so I held back sobs as best as I could. By the time people came around I was ok. Not myself but ok. A few hours in I started to become extremely bitchy. Everyone was drinking, having a good time, laughing, swimming and all I could think about was AF’s bad timing and how no amount of unprotected sex will make a baby for us. At the peak of my bitchyness, I sat on the edge of the pool with my feet in the water. My fertile cousins came over to join me only to talk about their child-rearing skills and to compare developmental levels. At one point someone asked “El Cheapo” when he was gonna have another. He looked right and me, pointed and said “Why you asking me? They haven’t even had one!” To not draw attention to myself, I waited 5 minutes and excused myself. My sweet understanding husband saw that I was on the edge of a breakdown so we packed up and went to our room. It’s amazing what a nap, hot shower and 2 Coronas do for an attitude. By 6:00 I was ready to face dinner and finger pointing.


Ate at the Firefly. I would recommend this to anyone visiting the Las Vegas area. Cheap, fun and very tasty.

After breakfast on Sunday, Husband and I decided to hit the slots. We sat at the Poker progressives for atleast 2 hours on $20. Not bad. Husband had a $50 bill and convinced me to play it at the $1 progressives. On the third spin he won $400!!! We cashed out at $300.

We had about an hour left to burn so we sat in front of the Wynn waterfall and ordered 2 drinks that were almost as much as that winning $50 dollar bill.

Now I’m home. I had fun and was thankful for the few times that I was distracted but it was mostly covered in a secret shroud. We took a similar trip about 11 years ago and to this day we still talk about that trip. I can’t help but think that my family will be talking about this trip for years to come and all I will remember is that it was around the time we found out we could not have kids.

In September, I had an emotional breakdown. It was the moment that I realized getting pregnant like “normal” couples was not going to happen for us. I mourned the idea that just having sex led to a baby. I had to face the truth that we had to be intentional in making a baby, almost as if the romance of baby making had died. I had to be realistic that I was going to have to wait. I had to learn that comparing myself to other women was disastrous for my well-being. I remember thinking that I had one foot in the proverbial IF grave. I cried for days. I cried in the shower, on my way in to work, at home over the dishes. Pregnant women in the grocery store, babies being pushed in a stroller by proud parents, the sound of frolicking children in my neighborhood; all sights and sounds that pierced my heart deeply. I knew that I would never be the same again.

Today I have planted my other foot in that grave. Only this time I carry no hope with me. I have begun to mourn for our home, that it will not know the sound of bare feet across it’s floors or the sound of a new baby’s cry in the still of the night. I mourn for the plans of remodels or the security fence around the pool that we will never need. I mourn for my mother who will never hold the grandchild she has been dreaming about. I mourn for my body. I mourn for our retired years. I mourn for my husband, that he will never know if his child loved board games like him or had his eyelashes and dry wit. My heart is breaking with a sadness I have never experienced before.

I naturally want to move forward. Life does not stop so that I can “deal” with this. We are spending the whole weekend with 15 people we adore. I can’t be curled up on $500 hotel bed crying the whole time! I still have to go to work. We still have friends that will want to see us. I still have to venture out in society where I am bound to see bumps. I just can’t be crying like this and right now, even though I know it to not be true, I feel like I will never get over this.

Thank you so much for all your supportive and encouraging words. Without you all we would be fighting this alone. Words cannot express how much you all mean to me. My heart aches for the women who are and have struggled like this and did not have the community of support I’m blessed to be a part of.

Please, if you are the praying type, say a prayer for me if you can. I need strength to face life right now and a sense of peace that is beyond my own understanding.