Mandy's Page

As part of my photography obsession, I've been really interested in this concept of lomography. What is lomography?

Check out This Site and This SIte.

I love traditional photography, don't get me wrong. I also love this idea of something a little more... conceptual, creative, artistic, different, real, raw.

I am trying to win a Diana Camera on ebay.

My favorite quotes about the Diana camera, copy and pasted from various sources:

"As a cult artistic tool of avant-garde and lo-fi photographers, it was a rousing success! They loved its soft & dreamy images, super-saturated colors, unpredictable blurring, and random contrast. Diana shots are raw & gritty, with a character all their own. They simply cannot be duplicated by any other camera on Earth! In short order, the Diana rose to prominence as one of the most treasured and sought-after cult analog cameras from the late 70's onward."

"How could you not absolutely love its lo-fi masterpiece photos? Something this beautiful, this classic, and this crucial to the world of analog photography shouldn't have suffered such an early demise. And since we had the means, the knowledge, and the opportunity to rebuild the Diana from the ground up (with a few extras tossed in) - the Lomography Diana+ was born in 2007. The Diana's original charms (radiant color-dripping lens, soft-focus surprises, all-plastic body, dead-simple shutter) were expertly duplicated to provide the authentic look n' feel of the original. On top of that, brand new Pinhole & Endless Panorama features were added into the mix – thereby paving the way for an entirely new class of Diana images and techniques!"

"With each click of the shutter, a moment is captured in a unique and fairly unpredictable way—and a small narrative begins to reveal itself. As the viewer, you're invited to read into it and interpret it in your own way. On top of that, you can count yourself as an individual note in the Diana's illustrious history - which dates back to the better part of 40 years."

The Diana uses 120 film, which we sell where I work. I can also process the 120 film, turning the film into negatives... I just did this for someone yesterday actually. However, the negatives need to be sent out to be developed into actual prints.

There's even a Diana Flickr Group.

Does this obsession of mine have no limits??

Getting back to my "mom blog" roots...

Maya has a boyfriend.

Here's the thing. I want to be the kind of Mom she feels she can talk to about to anything. I want her to be able to come to me for support or advice, I want her to feel like she can tell me anything, I want us to have that close relationship.

She is only in first grade, 7 years old... but it starts now. The trust thing, we have to start building it with our kids from day 1. I firmly believe this and I have tried, in so many ways, to do this as a parent...

I have been very involved in every aspect of her life (well, DUH, I'm her mother!), and obviously school is one of the most important aspects... so obviously, I have been very involved in this, also. I have volunteered in her library, her computer classes, class parties, book fairs. I meet with her teacher and we discuss her "gifted" status and the challenges her teacher gives her, I have a wonderful relationship with her teacher.

A few weeks ago Maya was Student of the Week. This means, among other things, parents get to come to the school and do a special project with the class. We made and decorated foamie sun visors, the kids loved it! Many of her classmates know me pretty well by now, I get a lot of "Hi, Maya's Mom!" comments as I walk through the halls.

I keep getting off point here. Anyway. While the kiddos were busy with their projects, Maya's teacher pulls me aside and says, "So, have you heard the news? About the romance?" I was like, huh?

So she proceeds to tell me that Maya and Devon have announced that they "like" each other and are now boyfriend-girlfriend. Whatever that means, to 7 year olds. At first I was a little freaked, I mean it's cute when it's someoneelse's kid... I asked the teacher if this was normal and she assured me it was, normal and healthy at this age. She got married in first grade. Hehe.

My next reaction was, why didn't Maya tell me?? Have I failed already?? At only 7 years old, does she already feel she can't tell me these things?

I didn't need to worry, though. While we were driving in the car, a almost an after thought, Maya says "Oh, hey mom! Guess what!" and I got to hear all about her and Devon, and how funny he is, and how nice he is, and how great of a climber he is on the playground equipment.

In other wonderful mom news... They have moved Maya up, from level 1 to level 3 in gymnastics. Skipped her right over level 2!

Also, I'm looking forward to her spring school musical show this month. These things are beyond cute. Their Holiday show was adorable and just awesome, and now they are going to have a spring show... A Year with Frog and Toad.

Obviously, I will have photos! :)

Check out all the photos of my collection HERE.

I don't understand why nothing I do is ever good enough. From the very beginning it seems there was always a focus on the negative.

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless
Lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me

It was always about what I couldn't do. I couldn't do this, I couldn't do that, and if I could, well... I couldn't do it right. I couldn't do it your way. My way was always wrong. Maybe you did want the best for me. I'm telling you now, it wasn't best.

Caught in the undertow
Just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow
Just caught in the undertow

There were, and still are, times when all I needed was a little support. I could never talk to you, when I did I was patronized and mocked, or yelled at. 28 years old, and nothing has changed. I can't take it anymore.

I've Become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware

I wonder what would have happened if you had supported me, just once?? If you had expected me to succeed instead of assuming I would fail?? Perhaps when I was 14 and my art teacher told you I had a knack for photography, you could have encouraged me. Instead, you were too busy screaming about my math grades. And all of the other things I was so awful at. I have failed at everything I've tried. That's not true... I have either failed or given up out of fear. Fear of failure. The minute I start to think I might be good at something, I might be able to succeed and make something of myself, I give up.

I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

Well, no more. I'm done trying to come to you for support or advice, just to get beaten down. I'm done being afraid of failure. I'm done giving up on my dreams. I'm done listening to you tell me what I am doing wrong with my life, done listening to you tell me how bad I've screwed up, over and over again... I'm done.

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly
Afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

Yes, I rebelled as a teenager. I had every right to. I may have done it the wrong way, but what did I know? I was a teenager. I needed love and support, I needed someone to talk to, someone I could trust, someone to look up to. I needed so much more than being told what a mess I was. I was never given an ounce of trust. An ounce of freedom. You called it "tough love" and said that's what I needed. Well, that wasn't what I needed.

Caught in the undertow
Just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow
Just caught in the undertow

As an adult I've still been living in the shadows of all your negative words and actions. I still can't do anything right in your eyes. When you have to step in to help me out, you hold it over my head and I can't escape from it... the words you use, the way you say them...

I've Become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

No more. I am going to live my life the way I want to, and I am going to follow through with my dreams an goals, without the fear and self doubt you've instilled in me.

But I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you

(lyrics in white from "Numb" by Linkin Park)

So, how about these primary results tonight, eh?

:)