I started this post late Tuesday night, but I walked away from the computer briefly and returned to find that it had restarted itself due to some kind of update so I decided just to go to bed and post in the morning.
THEN I came back to finish posting in the morning and wrote some but then got all wrapped up in phone calls and important matters so I had to abandon blogging once more. It had to be put on a back burner until now (Friday morning) so here it is, and I will try and make it make sense.
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Day 1 - Tuesday Night, About Midnight
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Here we go. Autumn went to sleep tonight without the binky. We're doing this.It all sort of just happened and I wasn't even planning to do it quite yet, but just like the potty training, when Autumn made an effort I sure wasn't going to be the one to hold her back! With all of the talking we've been doing lately about getting rid of the binky and the promise of a reward in highly-coveted toy form, Autumn brings it up a lot.
So when we went shopping today and she asked for the toy, after giving it some thought I told her we'd go ahead and buy it but she wouldn't get to have it yet. I was going to put it away until she slept through the night with no binky and after that (and after getting the toy) she still wasn't getting the binky back. Ever. No more binky. FOREVER.
I tried reiterating that every way I could think of in an effort to make her understand it because her 3-1/2-year-old brain comprehends things so differently than the way I think, which I sometimes forget, but am reminded of often. So I tried to have my inner 3-year-old speak to her about it and I'm hoping for the best.
The reward has been purchased and tucked away in a safe location on the top shelf of my closet. She even got to hold it while we were in the store, but had to relinquish it when it was time to pay, and she was told that she'll get it after she sleeps without the binky. She was ok with that, and even talked excitedly about it all afternoon and evening... until she was getting ready for bed.
Then her eyes got wide and her forehead got a little crease and she even used her manners when she asked if she could have her binky. She got emotional about it, and almost cried. Not a toddler "I'm not getting my way" cry, but a sad little girl who doesn't feel ready to give up her security blanket cry. She felt insecure. She was heading into uncharted waters and she was scared. I was so torn. Considering I hadn't originally set out to do this today, I began questioning the logic of doing it now. After all, my plan had been to wait until Brian was working out of town, which is supposed to happen pretty soon, and this was all unfolding a lot sooner than I had intended.
I considered letting her have it for one last night and warning her that this would be the very last one, so that she could "savor" it. However, it's been built up so much throughout the day that I decided that giving it to her now might just make her feel like she can talk me into giving it to her anytime she really wants it. Though I was still filled with uncertainty about whether it was a good idea to do it tonight or not, I decided to see if I could talk her into being excited about her toy again. I felt that the reasons to go ahead and run with it outweighed the reasons not to, because it has to be done sometime and why prolong the inevitable when she's already somewhat primed for it? Luckily, it was pretty easy to convince her that she could do this, and after about a ten minute discussion about it, she was good to go.
She fell asleep pretty quickly, and I had kept her up later than usual, hoping she'd be tired enough to sleep solidly throughout the night. Then again it could backfire on me, as keeping her up late in the past has sometimes caused her to wake up cranky after a couple of hours and be difficult to soothe back to sleep... and that has been with a binky! I'm not sure if that was a good idea or not.
Right now I'm not sure anything is a good idea, but I'm doing it regardless. I know we'll get through it, even if it turns out to be harder than the worst I had imagined. I'm strapped in and wearing my protective gear. I'm prepared for a rough night... or week, month, whatever it takes. At least Trevor is out of school and I'm not having to get up early. I feel like I've psyched Autumn and myself up as much as I possibly can, so here goes...
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Wednesday Morning - About 10 a.m.
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Well, we made it... so far. She woke up once and seemed a little disoriented but was easily persuaded to go back to sleep without any trouble. I stayed up past 3 a.m. waiting for the fallout. After the computer incident I was tired and I went to bed. But about 40 minutes or so after I finally went to bed it got ugly. She cried, begged and pleaded. She was restless and fitful, and no longer at all convinced she could sleep without the binky. She got pretty loud and of course by that time there were only about 20 more minutes until Brian had to get up at 4:45. So I stayed in there for probably an hour total trying to talk her through it and calm her down, and keep her from robbing him of his last bit of sleep time, as he had gone to bed late and was going to be tired anyway.
A few times she seemed like she was going to fall asleep again, but any small movement from me would cause her eyes to pop open again and beg me not to go. I was worried that she was going to go from one crutch (the binky) to another (needing me in the room with her to fall asleep). Also, she kept asking me to give her medicine to make her feel better. I tried to explain that there are some things that medicine can't fix, and that all she needed was practice going to sleep without the binky.
It alarmed me somewhat that at 3, she was asking for medicine for an emotional upset. I really hope that's not any kind of foreshadowing of her older personality. I think it's just her little 3-year-old mind, which understands that when she's sick and doesn't feel good, Mom gives her medicine that makes her feel better, so while she was having a rough time last night, she hoped that there was an easy way to make her feel better. I hope.
Anyway, once Brian was up I firmly told her she needed to go back to sleep and I was going back to bed. She said ok, though she continued to call out to me for about 10 minutes. I kept calling back that she was fine and we both fell asleep. A few hours later she came into my room and got into bed on Brian's side and went back to sleep there.
Once we woke up in the morning I went ahead and gave her the toy because I felt that if I didn't, she'd feel like I lied to her about giving it to her when she started sleeping without the binky. It may be difficult for her to understand that she still needs to sleep without it, but she'll get it eventually because I'm not giving in. We've come this far and she we made it through the night in one piece. We're NOT turning back now!
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Day 2 - Wednesday Night - Bedtime
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Wednesday night at bedtime, Autumn's confidence was shaken. It was more like her whole world was shaken. She was tearful and did not want to go to bed without the binky. She resumed some of the mannerisms of the previous night's panic and I started having serious doubts that doing this the way I did was a good idea. I was chalking it up to a momentary lapse of reason, but I still refused to turn back. After getting through even one night without it, although it was not easy, I knew that if we turned back now it would only get harder when we actually went all the way with it. I managed to talk her into going to sleep without it, and though it meant a bit more calling me into her room for various questions and "I love yous" and other stalling tactics, she eventually dropped off to sleep.
I didn't hear from her this time until 4 a.m... the binky-bewitching hour, which apparently is when she seems to wake up and feel the need for it if it isn't there. It was a shorter, slightly milder version of the previous night's 4 a.m. wake-up. I was probably in there for 15 to 20 minutes. I was trying to leave for most of it and she was begging me not to. I ended up sitting on her bed for about 10 minutes, talking to her and sometimes just sitting silently as she seemed like she might fall asleep. She didn't, though, and in the end I told her goodnight and that I was going back to bed, and she said ok and let me leave.
Once out of the room I expected her to panic again and waited a few minutes before actually trying to fall back asleep myself, but I didn't hear from her again. She came and got into bed with me again sometime in the morning and fell back asleep. I felt slightly encouraged since it had been a little bit easier that night.
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Day 3 - Thursday Night
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Last night, just before bedtime I asked Autumn if she would sleep well for me without the binky. She answered with an emphatic, "Yes!" and started talking about how much she loves her new toy. I took it with a grain of salt, knowing how it's easier said than done. At bedtime she was fine, though. I don't think she even asked for it or talked about it. She did call me in there a couple of times, and wanted Brian to come say goodnight, and wanted to go tell Trevor goodnight, but those things are all normal. When we put her to bed we usually know we're going to hear from her a few more times.
I was up late as usual, and when I woke up in the morning Autumn was still asleep. I hadn't heard a peep out of her all night! I was so happy and made a point of telling her how proud I was that she didn't cry for the binky.
I'm not daring to hope that it's over just yet. I was prepared for it to take the better part of a week at the very least, and expecting that it could take weeks before she was really over it. I think it took at least 3 days if not more with Trevor, and he wasn't quite as attached to his binky as she was. Also, though, he was a bit younger when he was forced to give it up for good. I suppose that may make a difference. If the worst is over already, I will be thrilled. If not, that's ok. At least right now I'm feeling better about the decision to just do it and get it over with, even though it was not how I had planned.
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