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Don’t Cry for Me Argentina or I’ll Give You Something to Cry About
Were someone to page through the delicate cellophane sleeves of any photo album from my youth without my Director’s Cut voice-over that would normally narrate the sequence of faded pictures it would be impossible for that someone to not to make certain assumptions about me as a child. Based on a hairstyle that has been described [...]
Nothing Beats a Great Pair of L’eggs Except Baby Carrots
Since Easter is this Sunday that means that tomorrow is Good Friday; a day which is followed by Holy Saturday (Today incidentally is Strongly Agree Thursday). Good Friday is the day that not only marks the death of Jesus Christ, but is also the inspiration for the casual dining restaurant concept T.G.I.G. Friday (Thank God [...]
Ugly Sweater Boy and the Radiator Kid
I’m sorry? What did you call me? Maybe you could say that again into my good ear? Kathleen! I found where they’re getting back in the house. It’s not through the attic, it’s through the cabinets somehow. Where’d did you put the spray? I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse. Sour Cream and Onion Potato [...]
It Takes More Than Wet Naps to Baby Proof Your Home
The one thing Kathleen and I did that was vital to ensure the long-term health and safety of Jack and Adam, besides following the sage advice on the refrigerator magnet sent home with us from the hospital after Jack’s birth instructing us to never shake our baby (Infants are delicate: Try using a Whisk instead), [...]
Dance Through the Decades Just Don’t Tip the Girl Scouts
It’s been over 30 years since I’ve seen a dogpile develop during the playing of ABBA’s Dancing Queen (Björn Ulvaeus and Agnetha Fältskog’s loft in Stockholm was my sexual Waterloo) however this time around the dogpile didn’t involve Andy Warhol, Brigid Berlin or a traditional Swedish musical instrument called a Nyckelharpa; it was in my [...]
A Tricycle Built Haiku
Jack’s old tricycle and a thoughtful stare, waiting for the signs of spring. A tricycle built for two. Well really just one but don’t tell them that. Well, it’s got more space than the loft I have down in lower Manhattan.
I Hope Tomorrow That I Wake Up In My Own Bed
There’s an ironic and poignant line in the Bare Naked Ladies song Hello City that says “…I hope tomorrow that I wake up in my own bed.” Ironic because there was a time in my life when I aspired to wake up in the bed of bare naked ladies (once I even woke up in [...]
The Balm of Hurt Minds
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book and thankfully Jack has unlimited refills.
As A Father And A Monkey I Am Horrible, Horrible, Most Horrible
In mathematics there is something called the Infinite Monkey Theorem which states that a single monkey striking keys at random on a typewriter for an infinite amount of time will type a particular chosen text, such as William Shakespeare’s “Hamlet.” Because of the writer’s strike Hollywood has hitched their wagon to this theory by investing [...]
Why Do My Slippers Keep Falling From Grace?
If we as a society and as a culture have learned anything from Hollywood, besides that sleeping with a director after a casting call does not guarantee you a callback or even so much as cab fare, (Jokes on you M. Night, I didn’t want the lead in Signs anyway), it’s that Artificial Intelligence and [...]
Bill Gathen's Page
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- Name or Pseudonym:
- Make it a Double
- About Me:
- I am the father of two boys, one who refuses to sleep and one who refuses to eat, and the husband of one woman who for some reason has permanently attached herself to me "like the thing from Alien" as she puts it. We share our house in upstate New York with an 11 year old, bowlegged, overweight, chain smoking, narcoleptic housecat and an imaginary leprechaun named King Brian.
Our oldest son, Jack, is only 5 years old but is already finger-painting at a 10th grade level. I am also terrified to pick up my one year old son Adam because he treats neck skin like a Taffy Pull and kneads upper lips like pizza dough.
I write about all this and more at my blog Make it a Double (http://bgathen.wordpress.com). I've got a heavy pour and you can't beat the prices.
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Contrary to everything I have learned about horizon lines, vanishing points and perspective I would have sworn that the further away he got, the bigger he appeared.
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My Anaconda Don't Want None And Neither Do I
In light of the recent and tragic tiger attack at the San Francisco zoo that claimed the life of 17-year-old Carlos Sousa Jr. and seriously wounded two other young men I am aghast at how the birth of 14 baby anacondas at the New England Aquarium in Boston on News Year's Day is being treated as a light-hearted slow news day cutesy-wootsy human interest story and not the… Continue
Posted on January 4, 2008 at 9:12pm —
Blame Jimmy Carter If Your Child Is Allergic To Peanuts
What ever happened to the days when kids weren't allergic to anything? It wasn't that long ago, was it? The only memory of allergies I have growing up as the undisputed undefeated fastest kid in Saddlewood Elementary School not to mention habitual first or second teammate picked on dodge ball days in gym class and, most impor
… ContinuePosted on December 31, 2007 at 8:19am —
My Favorite Ben10 Alien Is Named Codpiece
There's an old expression that I may have just made up that suggests when going to the ballet one should not sit too close to the stage as it will flaw the delicate illusion. For proof of this axiom's validity one need look no further than my front row seat to a 2006 performance of Swan Lake by the Mariinsky Ballet Company; a seat in which I was clos
… ContinuePosted on December 28, 2007 at 9:06pm —
More Trash Than You Can Shove Into George Bush's Cowboy Hat
Well another Christmas has come and gone here at the Gathen residence and yet again my theory that those who celebrate Hanukkah (I believe it is those of the Jewish faith) have got the right idea. Now, admittedly my working knowledge of Judaism comes from Adam Sandler songs, a viewing of Fiddler on the Roof in 11th grade and getting to chapter 14 in Chaim Potok's The Chosen, but let me just… Continue
Posted on December 28, 2007 at 9:05pm —
Madam I'm Adam: 8 Questions with a Toddler
A clichéd bell rings as I step out of the cold and into the apple pie and Monte Cristo warmth of the near empty diner. The resonating starkness of the bell against the otherwise stillness of the dimly lit room is reminiscent of the last seconds of the Sopranos finale and I wouldn't have been surprised if it was James Gandolfini in the corne
… ContinuePosted on December 28, 2007 at 9:00pm —
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We have about 3 inches so far. I laugh when I think what 3 inches would do to DC?! hahahahaha
Apply sarcasm always, to everything.
Heavily.
Watch the fallout.
LAUGH.
I'm heading to the store to pick up several lbs of beans, some cabbage, a pint of buttermilk, and some jalapenos.
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