Dear Dad,
I was contemplating who I should write to first and finally decided it to be you.
It has been around 22 years since I last remembered seeing you.
I remember I was playfully pouncing on your bed when you were having your last conversation with mum. It was also the first time you raised your voice at me when I hopped on your back like what I how always did.
All I can remember of you now is the view of you back facing me as I walked out of your room that day. I do not have any memory of how your face looks like at all.
All the pictures of you are just of your back view and the rest were all destroyed when mom when into rampage. I found some pictures recently of a man holding me but I couldn’t be sure if it was you as mum remarried too many times for me to figure out if the man was you or just one of them (or maybe some friend of mum’s).
The evening that you left, I sat quietly beside Mum and watch her tears pouring down her cheeks. I want you to know that of all the men Mum dated, she has never cried so hard since. Not even when I told her that I hated her with all my guts. You must have really broke her heart.
I sat by the gate everyday, watching people alight at the bus stop, waiting for you to come back from work but you never did.
Eventually, I stopped waiting.
Mum told me that you are dead umpteen times when I used to question your whereabouts.
So I finally stopped questioning.
In my younger days, when the tough gets going, I asked myself if we would ever recognize one another if we were to meet on the streets, if you would be like other dads who would shelter their precious daughters from all thunderstorms. When Mum couldn’t protect me, will you be there for me.
And as days past, I stopped asking.
Occasionally, I wonder if you are really dead or alive. Wondering what are you doing right now, how you look like today, if you are still alive, the reasons why you didn’t look for me after all these years despite mum claiming that you are after all a good father. Wondering if you have totally forgotten that you have a daughter like me.
As years gone, I stopped wondering.
I used to keep a written diary when I was young. At many times, I wrote to tell you things I never got to tell you. Times have changed and Blogs came up. I wrote in hope that maybe, just maybe, some day you might chance upon my blog and know how I am doing today.
As time goes by, I’ll stopped writing too.
I used to think that one fine day you’ll find me since there was no way I could. I used to daydream about you walking me down the aisle on my wedding day to come. I used to pretend that you are always in my heart and you could hear me no matter where you are, watch over me no matter what happens.
Then, I finally stopped hoping.
They say childhood is the most precious time you will ever have with your children and you have gave up mine.
Now that I am all grown up, bruised but almost fully recovered.
I do not hate you at all.
I do not need you anymore.
Cause all these years Mum has been my dad who has done everything you didn’t.
I just want you to know that I have finally found the one in my life and that I am in safe hands.
I am happy now.
Hope you are at least safe, well and happy too.
Love,
Chrissy