Late nights

I dont know what it is lately. I have been getting a lot of introspective moments, moods that are way too familiar and weirdly melancholic to be going through again. I had a long period where they were gone, and I almost forgot them. They werent missed.
I dont think I've ever fully known whether they cause the insomnia, or whether the insomnia causes them, but I think it is a little of both. Not once have my eyes felt sleepy tonight, even though it is now 4:22AM and I had no sleep last night either.
And so I lie here and think, because there is nothing left to do, and nothing that my mind will let me occupy it with. I think of some of the things Ive done in the past. How cloudy and undefined they are, yet still horribly there they remain. I think things always feel worse than they probably are, and I cannot deny that other people have been through a lot worse.
But that doesnt mean I havent been through my fair share. Or that it was easy.

Some of those things... The mind sets I was in.
Back then I was on anti-depressants and painkillers and sleeping pills. So pretty much the same as now. Only a higher doseage, a worse situation, and a lot less worried about my future or how I really lived. I existed in a haze of no emotion or clarity. Everything was a blur and the only thing I could focus on was anything not related to myself. I lived in a dream world. I wrote and I painted and I thought of fantasies and other lives. Anything else.
I still operated and acted semi-normal to my family and the few others who knew me. I found everything very painful and hard, but at the same time so extremely detached and not so much an intimate part of me as something I just had to get through. I thought I was doing ok.
But I was the only one who didnt realise my pain still showed through so noticably in my actions. And how even though I didnt feel them at the right times, or react the way someone usually should in a situation, I still had the emotions that built up and crashed down on me when I least expected it. When it was least logical to happen.

Looking back at that time Im both a bit ashamed and proud.
Im ashamed of some of my actions, the things I did, that were done through detached clouds of hurt and emotions I didnt know what to do with. There are a lot of things I can list that I really wish I hadnt done.
Yet they were so small and few when compared to how I could have turned out. And for that I am proud. Of how I chose to be an adult when no one asked me to. How I carried on through everything and could still smile and laugh and see the positives. How I held everything inside, all the pain and hopelessness, untill I could afford to address it. Without breaking down right when I needed to be strong.
And for that, I am also a little sad.

I do not like late nights, with no one around.
I hate being lonely. The lonely of having people, but ones you cant talk to.
Atleast not at this lonely time of night.

000p

Man, there is a spot on my glasses that just keeps bugging the hell out of me. Im just sitting here and it keeps getting in my line of sight. It must tell you something about my energy levels and motivation that I would rather come here and blog about it than just take off my fucking glasses and wipe them.

I am in the middle of probably one of my best comical masterpieces, but for reasons best left off the internet, I cannot post it here
>_>
But let me just say that it has been both fulfilling and therapeutic and not at all a waste just because no one else will be seeing it but me and most probably Alex. Infact it will be printed and stuck on my wall so I can rofl in bed and pretend that I actually won that battle. I guess I did, because I got out of it alive and with my real vision intact and not horribly impaired as it once was. As well as my sense of judgement being returned!
I missed it.
It was gone for so very long.

On a similar note! As it involves the internet and winning, which dont go hand in hand very often. Last night I won an argument on the internet, about Russell Brand no less! I found out sheeple are very entertaining and rather quite willing to be blind and horribly trusting untill one person points out the wrongness of the situation.
I WAS THAT PERSON *flings cape over shoulder*
Some idiot was pretending to be Russell on facebook. No one but Russell can be Russell, he is a cockney god. And we all KNOW that nothing is real until its on facebook. So it was a double crime! I even managed to get the ass that will always show up in an argument and start swearing at people, to apologise to me.
*satisfaction*

Besides that.
Not very much is happening.

Besides my body being an idiot and this fucking spot

Remember:

toys are NOT for children, they are for adults. If your child does not grow up unhappy, youre doing it wrong

NaNoWriMo. AGAIN?

Do I really have to do this multiple times a year? Do I really have to commit myself to time based projects when the thing I have the most problems with is deadlines?
I honestly think my expertise is in doing the most nonsensical things ever
Oh well. I have been wanting to get back to writing anyway, its one thing that I really love doing and rarely need much inspiration for. And could possibly be pretty good at it if I stopped fucking about and actually took it SERIOUSLY. Just like my art. Its mediocre at best merely because I dont put enough effort and heart into it.
Motivation, dear watson. Motivation is the issue. the ISSUE. the issue.
reurkemrreerk.
So nano. What is this sillyness?? I think I might attempt a series of short stories. Or possibly a surrealistic psychological story about lying and or dreaming/sleeping. I think the ideas are both pretty messed up in their own right. But seeing as my literature heroes are people like Michael Marshall Smith and Albert Camus (frenchman, no less) I really dont see how my writing stood a chance at being normal?
You know Im really quite intelligent behind this facade of weird
:S
maybe.
I hold no delusions that I will complete nano, or that I will attend any of the write ins... ( >:[ *mutter* *foul language and spitting*) but I really miss it and it makes me happy. And I need to start doing something constructive in my life! The fact that it happens to make me happy is just a bonus. Believe it or not I think I was born to be a writer more than an artist. I think me learning art was a secondary talent, one that I dont think really has a root in who I am. Even though I love the medium and have so many hopes and dreams for it that eets loco, I still find Ive never been able to express myself the same way that I can with writing. I can probably look back to 95% of my rough patches and be able to find atleast 5 poems or essays on my emotions, yet no real art.
Thats scarier than I thought it would be
O_o
That brings me back to something else I wanted to talk about ... But seeing as I havent been posting that much, I shall leave it for tomorrow so that I have a topic?

Last years nano ended disastrously (erm, it barely started come to think of it...) mainly because too much was happening AYE ARR ELL and getting in the way. Oh and you know, maybe my MASSIVE lack of planning problem?? So this year I am going for a less structured style, writing whatever happens to poot into my mind at that time 8D Which will no doubt include GIANT CONFUSING MONOLOGUES! Just what I do best.

So yes.
30 days
175 pages
50,000 words

*excited sigh* :D

whyyyyyyy

Its always both hilarious and embarassing when you find evidence that you were a complete tard when you were younger. I mean, you usually have a general idea that you were stupid (atleast I did), but actually finding stuff to prove that is a little disconcerting!
Ive kept journals most of my life, and I think Ive managed to lose a few in the process of moving O_o but I found one from when I had just turned 13, and wow that doesnt seem that long ago but DAMN I was wweeeiiird! I was blatantly racist in a strangely innocent way, quoted my mom way too much, had a secret code for writing comments in my journal that no one else could understand?!? and used retarded smiley faces and cartoons to an unholy level. My spelling was also a lot more horrific than I had remembered... Skitsafrenzic? reeeallllly Rene? REALLY?

Examples:
"...he was Jewish, (that made it worse, as Jewish men are mean.)"
I like how I think thats a fact??

"I kinda like laughing (secretly and behind her back, ofcourse!)"
;__; lets point out the blatantly obvious

"The Americans wouldn't take anyone with, but the Russians needed the money so they did."
O___o

"...COOL! P.S. (ha ha not really PS!)"
I think I was high a lot.

"...and when Nickleback get interview they get ignored, 'cause they're Canadian."
XD agh. sigh.

"Dryden Mitchell was in an accident! Dryden Mitchel :'( BOO HOO HOO! WAAAAA *crying face*"
Oh god. Boo hoo? I WROTE THAT?

"...dad explained all the rules (ok, only a FEW of the rules [you nazi!])"
"...but the referee saw it, tough luck, huh Japs?!"
I love how I just casually slander an entire population without having even met one of them.

"The unicorn looked like a stumpy midget. Yuck!"
Well atleast thats one thing we know Ive kept up. Midgets, yuck!

"It was REALLY sick! (that means cool)"

"Old Aztec temples, humongous overgrown trees and the earth with big fireballs (no not the sun!)"
I reeeallly like brackets and explaining the obvious...

"GASP, SCREAM, FAINT!! I just discovered one VERY horrible fact, I repeat, a VERY horrifyingly horrible fact!
Barney Simons is OLD."
hahahaha!! That is awesome! Apparently after that I swore not to listen to the night zoo again, because I was having images of an old man wetting himself.
...

"I feel like pig snot!"
:D oh yeah

"I did the most COURAGEOUS thing today! I told someone a bunch of lies!"
I love how I thought that was courageous and actually got excited about it... wow

"Anyway, why the hell am I writing this? A few pages ago I said how sissy it was to write down your feelings and now Im doing it. Well I better get going and take my skirt off!"
I was SEXIST! *dies laughing*

"And for heavens sake he looks like the demented circus monkey man from Watershed! NO. I will not like Nickleback! I will not like them, I will not like them. Ive got to keep telling myself they suck of Ill like them because of their CD cover. OK, Ive got to go now and reflect on how badly they stink. (Oh and by the way, they are trash. I am definitely not contradicting myself on this one! No argument!) They are trash I hate them."
Oh my god! Why did I think it was necessary to say all that repeatedly?!

I also talk about my first real crush and then start writing in, my apparent trademark of that time, huge capital letters O_o, GROSS! YUCK! Please tear this page out now!
It was obvious I had mixed emotions on that one?

So uh. Yeah. I apparently thought lying was good, was sexist, spoke way too much about music, and thought badly of Jews, Germans, Japanese, Old people, Midgets, Canadians and the lead singer from Watershed. Man I spoke about him too much...
I think I might just completely erase from my mind the fact that I was once 13. Its just way to scary ;A; nyaaaaghh