Taking down the memories

I don't usually wait until Jan. 8 to take the tree down. My family has a tradition of leaving the tree up until New Year's Day and taking it down as we watch the bowl games.

I didn't have a chance to do that on New Year's Day, so my goal was to get it down on Saturday. That goal got wiped out as soon as I found myself nursing a huge battle wound. I needed something pretty to look at through my tears.

Saturday turned into Sunday, which turned into Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, and there I was sitting on the couch Thursday morning trying to urge myself to get up and start removing the ornaments. After a pep talk from a friend, I decided it was time to get the house back in order, which meant cleaning the kitchen, picking up the clothes that were littering pretty much the whole upstairs and finally taking down the tree.

I have a hard enough time letting go of a Christmas tree. I can accept that the holiday is past. I have no problem taking down the outdoor lights. But there's something about getting rid of the tree -- I know my living room is going to feel a whole lot more empty and smell a whole lot more like dog as soon as the tree is gone.

Add to that the pain of getting rid of what had been a source of comfort in the past few days. It was bright and shiny, decked with ornaments from my childhood that made me think of nothing but happiness.

Of course he helped me buy the tree and string the lights and hang the ornaments.

As I took down, one by one, each ornament, each breath of mine felt heavier and my head got lighter. I could feel the panic setting in. It was like the gravity of it all was going to pull my heart and lungs into my stomach.

Getting rid of the tree meant bidding farewell to a holiday season which was filled with so much happiness but brought one of the most painful shocks of my life. Sure, I want to get past that but it just seemed like one more harsh reminder that it's over. It's actually over. Not the holiday, but us.

I've been working on getting rid of him from my world, but I haven't made it very far. Immediately after I last spoke to him, I shoved every picture I'd had displayed of him and I in a box in the deepest corner of a closet. I broke up with him on Facebook. I hid a stuffed Sully monster he gave me for Christmas a few years ago -- the one with a one-eyed snowman on his sweater.

I haven't touched the Wii since that day, but as soon as I do I'm deleting his Mii. It looks too hauntingly like him to keep. I need to rearrange my cell phone speed dials. I've pressed No. 3 so many times, there's a chance I might do it automatically if I think of something that needs to be shared with a friend. I know there are some personal items of his hiding in my closet and bathroom, but I haven't had the courage to look for them. There's also that key of his on my key ring ...

I'm not trying to hang on to him, really I'm not. It's just that every one of these things that needs to be done stirs a whole other pot of memories, both good and bad, and brings a fresh wave of pain. And lord knows, I already have plenty to go around.

A little something for everyone today

OK. First some housekeeping. I have the unfortunate distinction of working nights tonight, which means I will not be able to watch much of the national championship game. I know, it's a HUGE tragedy. I may try to tape it, but I doubt that I'll go back and watch it unless it's some sort of instant classic. (Still no TiVo. I'm working to remedy that situation in the coming week or two.)

I am entertaining offers from you, Modern Friends, to guest post about the game either tonight or tomorrow morning. You know, a little recap, some snarky commentary and maybe a funny picture. Preference will be given to those with an SEC bias, but if there are no such volunteers, I'll take someone from the other side. Please volunteer by leaving a comment below or e-mailing me.

Now, on to today's post. My mind is sort of all over the place right now, so here's a laundry list of healthy articles to peruse:

• Hungry Girl has updated her shopping list of the best grocery finds for 2009. I bet it will come in handy if you've been planning to eat more healthily this year.
  
• Health Magazine shows you some yoga poses you can do to encourage better sleep. This is a big issue for me right now, so I'm definitely going to try them. I also like sipping a cup of chamomile tea before bed, but lately I've had to rely on Tylenol PM.
• Whenever you join a new training program at a gym, they always give you a physical fitness test. Here's one you can do on your own from Real Simple.

Puffy eye remedies

I was in kind of rough shape on Monday morning before I had to go to work, but I really wanted to go to work for the distraction it would provide. I managed to pull myself together a bit, but my eyes were bound to betray me. The weekend cry-a-thon made it look like I'd had a hearty shot of Botox directly into my eyelids and around my eyebrows. Although my face isn't in the best shape, I'd like to think I'm not ready for Botox.

Anyway, I did what any blogger would do. I mentioned on Twitter that I was looking for a remedy for puffy eyes. And of course, I instantly had several. I haven't had a chance to try any of them out, mainly because I haven't been to the store to pick up the necessary ingredients. But, I thought I'd share with you the input I received. You never know when they may come in handy.

• Cold cucumber slices
• Cold teabags
• Cold spoons (I think I sense a trend)
• Preparation H
• Cold washcloth (This is what I used, and it worked fairly well)

Something good comes of it

You may have noticed I haven't talked much about my Weight Watchers adventure lately. That's mostly because our last session ended three weeks ago, and we decided to wait until the holidays were over before starting a new one. In the couple weeks before that, I was so busy that I didn't have much time to think about it and as a result my weight pretty much hovered in the same spot. In other words, nothing much to see here.

Well, that is, until today.

I hadn't weighed myself in a couple of days, so I really wasn't sure what to expect when I stepped on the scale today at my meeting. I was one of the last people to go, and I tell you the suspense was somewhat killing me. 

I made my ultimate goal.

Thanks to having almost no appetite for the past few days,* I managed to work off the last couple of pounds gained over the holiday break to finish 1.2 pounds under my goal weight. I now enter six weeks of maintenance -- basically what that means is I have to be within two pounds (I think) of my goal after six weeks to be dubbed a lifetime member. Lifetime members don't have to pay to come to meetings, which is a huge bonus.

Of course my leader asked how I managed to do it over the holidays. I told her, and she hugged me and told me that a lady once told her she managed to shed 225 pounds of weight in a week -- by divorcing her husband.

It came at the perfect time for me, I definitely needed the self esteem boost. So, for those of you who read this blog and know the Modern Ex (still trying to decide if this is his new alias -- I'm not sure the ME cuts it), please pass on a hearty (yet somewhat sarcastic) thank you to him for providing me that last little boost I needed to get over the hump. I guess my next boyfriend gets to reap the benefits. (Sorry, that's probably a little unfair, but I'm in bitter mode today.)

So, for the final totals:
-lost 3.2 pounds over three weeks
-minus 19.4 pounds since the start of Weight Watchers about six months ago
-minus about 23.7 pounds since I started keeping track a few weeks before that

*I am eating, I promise. There are a few people who read this blog that can verify that. Also, I hate throwing up so passionately, that I can assure you there is no bulimia going on. I am just eating enough to take care of the responsibility of keeping myself alive, and not doing much beyond that.

The Facebook breakup

I'll admit it, I've always been slightly bemused by the fact that you could monitor the health of other people's relationships thanks to the obsessive-compulsive way Facebook notifies everyone when a relationship status has changed.

Bemused, of course, until I was the one who had to do the changing.

After my encounter with him on Saturday afternoon -- and still very much in tears -- I opened up Facebook, trying to urge myself to change my status from "In a Relationship," which is what I had been from the day I joined Facebook.

And I couldn't do it.

I wasn't in complete denial that the relationship was over. But because we hadn't fully talked after the bombshell he dropped on me, I was kind of afraid to notify the entire world about the change in our status without being ABSOLUTELY SURE.

I have 457 Facebook friends. He has 675. Eighty-eight of those are mutual. Nearly all of them were well-familiar with the fact that we had been together for a freakin' long time.

I knew that as soon as any of those people saw that he and I had a relationship status change, they would immediately assume that it would go from "In a Relationship" to "Engaged," because that's what happens after two people have been "In a Relationship" for that long, right? Plus, I've been asked when he and I would be getting married with enough regularity to know, that's what people were expecting.

I was worried that those 88 mutual friends would immediately start picking sides, not that there were necessarily sides to be picked in this case. I was worried that in the awkwardness of it all, they'd flock to him since he has always been more social and outgoing than I. He was the one who made the friends, I was the one who got to know those friends as "the girlfriend." I didn't want to lose any of the wonderful friends I've made because of him.

Plus, I thought by changing status, I'd be opening the flood gates of a pity party, which I wasn't sure I wanted. And I wasn't really sure what to change the status to: was it simply a matter of "It's Complicated" or did I drop it all the way down to "Single"? Was there a chance that he'd call me the next day saying a demon had possessed his body, but no worries, the exorcism was a success and it was all a big misunderstanding?

After we talked for a second time on Sunday night, I was once again a wreck. I decided to go for the Band-Aid method. After he left, I looked at Facebook and, gasping to catch my breath from so much crying, immediately clicked "Cancel Relationship." And there it was. "(The Modern Gal) is now single," with a little heart beside it, damn that little heart. I thought about clearing out my personal status message, but instead threw up "(The Modern Gal) is broken," because that's exactly how I felt. I was in so much pain, I didn't care if anyone thought I was trying to be a bitch about the whole thing.

I turned away from the computer for a little while, looking for something to provide some relief. I think I smothered Lucydog for a few minutes, continuing to bawl as she looked at me with a confused stare. When I looked at the computer again, there were the e-mails and the wall posts and the text messages and everything else that had started to pop up.

And you know what? It didn't feel like a pity party. It felt somewhat relieving.

I got some of the kindest, most supportive messages -- even a few that surprised me a bit. It was as if every time I was ready to break down again completely, the universe would notice and Pop!, there would be another message. It didn't stop me from crying, but the tears weren't so painful.

I think the best part of both the Facebook breakup and blogging about it is I didn't have to go through the pain of having to tell every one of my friends, one by one, that it was over. It was hard enough telling my mother, my best friend and a few other people I've talked to since. The grapevine did most of the work for me. And any gossip that might or might not be spreading can come from the actual source.

So to everyone of my Facebook friends that's stumbled upon the blog: Thank you.